Free Range Believer - What it Means To Me

Jim Palmer took the words right out of my mouth with his recent Facebook post describing Five Things Not to Feel Guilty About on Your Spiritual Journey.  These five things accurately describe my journey since my exodus from inside to outside the walls that began abruptly six years ago.  In the header of this blog I tag myself as a Free Range Believer.  I think this describes what I mean by Free Range.  I believe in Jesus, but I am not an advocate or participant in any organized religious entity.  I am a man without a religious country and enjoy freedom I never would have imagined before.

Palmer says:

"As people shed religion and walk in freedom, they can feel guilt about the changes they are going through. Thinking about this I identified 5 things not to feel guilty about on your spiritual journey."

"1. You may discontinue your active involvement in a church or religious organization. This doesn’t necessarily have to be some sort of judgment or condemnation against the church or organization you were part of, but a choice you make because your involvement no longer relates to or supports where you are on the journey, or may be an obstacle and hindrance to it."

"2. You may grow weary of incessant God talk. It’s possible there will be times when you grow sick of the constant theological discussion and debate, and the never-ending wheel of new and improved concepts, beliefs, understandings, teachings, etc. At some point it all might sound like, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…” You might fall dead to the need to be constantly figuring out things with your mind or in your head. One day you might wake up and say, “Okay, I’m done!” Don’t feel bad about this. It actually may be a very important milestone in your spiritual journey. In my view, theology is not even the best way by which God and spiritual truth is known. It may be that subject of “God” as a whole feels a bit overdone and boring, but this is only because you were taught to equate God with all that blah blah blah stuff."

"3. You may find that the very people your religion judged and condemned are the people you find the most interesting and enjoyable. Once you come out from under the judgmental labels, views and stereotypes you learned through religion, you start realizing how much you truly like and enjoy the people you were taught to hate. This is a good and liberating aspect of shedding religion. For too long you were shut yourself off from a lot of beautiful and extraordinary people in this world to enjoy and learn from."

"4. You may find and express a rebellious or defiant part of you that has been dormant. Don’t feel bad about this. Too often religion turns people into nice, complaint, repressed, timid, inhibited, mannerly, obedient, fearful, amiable, submissive people. By the way, I would not use any of these words to describe Jesus. Here’s the deal, you can be a loving, compassionate, respectful and kind person AND be a rebellious, defiant, passionate, disobedient, subversive, nonconformist, mischievous, self-willed, fully expressed, freethinker, heretic, and free spirit human being."

"5. You may find less fulfillment in religious things, and more satisfaction in human things. It’s okay and good to be human, and to enjoy each moment of your human journey. Religion caused many people to create a false division between “sacred” things and “secular” things. There is no such line. All of life is sacred, spiritual, and divine. There’s no need to defend, theologize, or spiritualize your human experience. Just live it! That is enough. Life is made complete by you living each moment. There’s no need to maintain a running commentary about how God is part of it. God IS part of it. Life and God are inseparable. End of story. It’s okay to enjoy life, experience delight and pleasure, do the things you enjoy doing, and that breathe life into you, whatever those things may be."

- End Jim Palmer quote

Find Jim Palmer's blog here.http://jimpalmerblog.com

And Above All... Be Nice!

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Gal. 5:1) so there is no list of rules for believers to live by, but if there were it would be a short one with only one directive, and it is this:  Love your neighbor.  Paul said that the entire Law was summed up in this single command.(Gal. 5:14)  Or as I would paraphrase it...

Be nice. (St. Robert 1:1)

It's a really simple concept that we try to teach our kids before they head off to kindergarten.  Treat others the way you would like to be treated (Matt 6:33).

Yet, many of us, as we get older and more mature in the faith, become less nice.

That's partly because there are doctrinal and religious operatives that come into play that have a mitigating effect on our kindness.

Kindness Killers:

1. "Accountability"  It's a buzzword in the religious world right now, and it turns nice people into confrontive "truth speakers" who are taught that their destructive openness with their mentorees and wayward friends is legitimate and necessary as part of the discipleship process.

The unfortunate truth about accountability is that confrontation rarely ends well, at least for the confronted.  The confronter may move on after a confrontation feeling righteous and satisfied in his ability to speak the truth in love.  The confronted withdraws with a sense of injury and defeat.  The hurt may linger for a long time and effect their sense of self-worth and spiritual well-being going forward - maybe for a lifetime.

The discipleship concept of Accountability is a destructive idea that needs to die a quick death.  Let's not offer our advice unless it is strongly requested, and then, only in the gentlest manner.  "A bruised reed will he not break." (Isaiah 42:3)  

Be Nice.

2. Submission to Authority in the Church  This doctrine is a widespread and deep-seated practice that has caused untold destruction to millions of believers across the world.  Good and godly leaders turn into inadvertent tyrants and evil manipulators as they legitimize their actions through contrived scriptural methods.  I have said a lot about the evil of this orthodoxy in other posts, so I'll let it go at that for now (See "Harmful Hierarchy" or "Submission to Authority" in the left sidebar for more on this).

Be Nice.

3. "Hating the Sin" (but loving the sinner, of course).  This idea is used to rationalize mean behavior as a form of "loving the sinner".  The rationalization goes something like this: "I know that my job is to love people, but how is it loving if I don't tell my gay friend that he is destined for an endless eternity in hell?"

The problem here is that truth-tellers are doing the work of the Holy Spirit when they point out sin in their friends.  The one job of the believer is love.  Not conviction and not judgement.  Not even truth.  Just love.  It is the Lord's job to bring conviction if he wants to.  We should leave that work up to him.  "Hate sin" in your prayer closet and nowhere else.

Be Nice.

4. Church Discipline.  This is another endemic belief that causes a lot of destruction among believers.  Thankfully, it is not implemented very often, but when it is, it is often applied for unnecessary and illegitimate reasons.

 I know of a man who was excommunicated from his church because he was financially irresponsible, an unfortunate byproduct of his bipolar disorder; when he was manic he would spend money irrationally.

 Excommunicated.  Seriously.

 Another dear missionary friend of ours in the Mennonite Church told us that he was called home from Thailand to answer to the church council why he wasn't teaching a dogmatic compliance with the ordinances on head coverings for women, and the wearing of jewelry.  Really, the church spent thousands of dollars to fly him home for this.  Unbelievable.

Church discipline is a denominational weapon too often used to strategically remove non-conformists ("purging sin") from the local theological domain.

Be Nice.

5. Politics.  There has been a marked increase in political activism in the church and by believers since Jerry Falwell founded the "Moral Majority" in 1979 following a speaking tour of America during which he reversed the long-standing Baptist practice of the separation of church and state.  Consequently, the increased political rancor that has infected Congress has likewise infected the church as a sense of nationalism grows. 

Sensationalist talk show hosts have shouted angry partisan rhetoric and conspiracy theories in our ears starting virtual fires everywhere. 

Otherwise loving and thoughtful believers have taken to posting inflammatory messages on Facebook and love and respect have become a thing of the past.

The church podium has become a militaristic bully-pulpit in the worst way.

Where's the love?

Let's bring back a humble respect for another's point of view.  Let's quiet our own political and religious rallying cries and re-instate an atmosphere of goodwill.

And let's remove political campaigning from the church; people will vote their values without any reminder from the pulpit.

Be Nice.

6. Submisson of Women   Though liberal churches accomplished this a long time ago, there are many places in the religious world that have not yet eradicated the oppressive teaching that makes the church an unsafe environment for women.  Perhaps appropriate in an ancient Middle Eastern culture when the New Testament was written, this idea is out of place in our modern Western world.  It is a monster that can give license to misogynistic men who dominate their wives - and their constituents - with a so-called scriptural mandate. (Any big-name bullies from Seattle come to mind?)  I've mentioned this in other posts so won't say more here (Look for "Submission of Women").

Be Nice.

7. Preaching  Public discourse - homiletics - became an art form that was developed by the ancient Greeks.  The spreading of religion (and politics) has forever been riding on the back of this valiant steed.  It is an attractive mount to people who love to hear the sounds of their own voices, including all kinds, most of them honest and motivated by a desire to change the world.

The problem is that there is no good method of screening out the others:

 - those who are insecure and cannot be questioned due to their position of leadership

 - those who have a proverbial axe to grind

 - those with psychological or emotional issues (that manifest in their sermons)

 - those with abusive tendencies (they love to preach submission)

 - those who are uneducated or gullible and who believe outlandish conspiracy theories.
 - those with a mean streak (they love to preach hellfire and condemnation)
 - those with controlling tendencies (they have a directive for every detail of their constituents' lives.)

 - and so on.

 Any of the above are hard to challenge; If you question them, you are "rebelling against God".

 Just about anybody can start a church or ministry in the USA.  And that makes preaching a dangerous proposition for the listener.

Be Nice 

8.  The Business of the Church   Man-made denominations and independent churches are businesses.  They are built with organizational structures and business models that determine their day-to-day operations.  And so they must manage their staffs.  Unlike the New Testament church, they hire and fire workers.  And this is where countless thousands of Christian employees are destroyed every year.  The careers of mega-ministers are built on the backs of their paid staff and their volunteers.  It shouldn't be, but the business of the church is a dog-eat-dog world.  A grievous amount of unkindness is perpetrated every day - whether intentionally or inadvertently - through this ungodly system.

Beliefs determine behavior

I think it comes down to this, folks:  If your beliefs or orthodoxies (methods), whether political or religious, are causing you to be unkind, then there is something wrong with your beliefs and practices and it may be time to re-examine them.  This may be hard to do when you are still sitting under the teaching of a convincing preacher in a conservative environment.  

(Yes, there is an underlying message here:  Unfortunately, the conservative religious environment is one of the most likely places to erase your kindness, explaining it away through "timeless scriptural principles".)

It is possible, although a challenge, to think for yourself and study the Bible on your own and draw your own conclusions even when you are surrounded by voices that claim to be speaking for God.  I did it.  Millions have done it.  You can do it.  (But it's easier if you first remove yourself from that environment.)

Here's the thing:  There are thousands upon thousands of Christian denominations in the world.  They all have their own doctrines that differ from the church down the street.  They all believe that theirs is the correct interpretation of scripture.

But they can't all be right.  In fact, they are all wrong at some points.

Knowing this, give yourself the freedom to question your local religious "authorities".  If there are teachings that somehow propagate an atmosphere of unkindness, consider removing yourself from them - or at least removing them from yourself.

Kindness is the thing.

Be Nice.

Disclaimer:  Jesus was nice to sinners and the ungodly.  But he wasn't nice to self-righteous religious bullies.  And you don't have to be either.  What tone of voice do you suppose He used when he called the Pharisees "sons of their father, the devil"?  I don't think he was sweet about it.

So, be like Christ:  Stand up to bullies.  But to everyone else...

Be Nice.

The Tipping Point - Leaving the Church

There's good and bad in everything, and it is no different with the church.  As long as the good outweighs the bad, people will stay and survive... and even thrive.  But if a tipping point is reached where the bad outweighs the good, their reasons for staying will be outnumbered by their reasons for leaving and they will stage their own personal exodus.  It is often calculated and pre-meditated, since there is usually painful fall-out that comes with it.  The inevitable loss of lifelong friends is one of the most painful consequences.

Staying

There are a lot of good reasons why people will stay in the institution.  For many, it is a family tradition that is comfortable and familiar and their is no good reason to quit.  For others, their social and emotional needs are met by the company of good friends and like-minded birds of a feather.  Others find common ground in doctrines and dogmas that make sense to them ideologically.  They may like the political platform of the church.  Many will attend to get close to God and enjoy the kindred spirit of corporate worship.  And the list goes on.

In my opinion, when people feel happy and safe in the church environment, they should continue as long as they can...  for a lifetime if possible.

Leaving

There are also a lot of good reasons for leaving the church, and many of them have to do with the reverse of everything good.  If they don't fell safe there, if their emotional and social needs are not being met there and there is no sense of community, if they don't have friends there, if they take issue with the doctrines and dogmas there, if they can't feel close to God there, and so on, they have good reason to leave.

Why would anyone want to keep attending a club where they are not welcome?  Why would they continue to contribute to an organization whose values are not consistent with theirs?  What if they are made to feel like a misfit or an outcast, should they keep going for the sake of the institution?  What about abusive situations where they are being condemned or guilted into submission by domineering leaders or doctrines?  

I would not recommend that anybody continue in a setting where they do not feel safe, where their spirit is continually broken by destructive teaching and demeaning doctrines which give overbearing leaders a license to lord it over their people.

On the other hand, some may quit out of simple burnout.  Do you realize that if you attend the church three times a week plus board meetings, potlucks, and camp meetings, you will have been there 10,000 times by the time you are 50?  For some, that's more than enough!  Everything just starts to sound like the same old same old.

My Tipping Point

I attended and was embedded in the church for the first 60 years of my life, and was blind-sided when my own tipping point arrived.  I did not expect it and would never have predicted it.  I was a lifelong volunteer and leader in the organization.  My dad, my brother, and my son-in-law and several of my friends were pastors.  I was happy and thriving, even though I was at odds with some of the conservative platforms of the denomination and the local body.

The straw that broke the camel's back for me was an ideological one:  I woke up to the fact that my church and I were no longer moving in the same direction, and I had to decide whether I would continue to contribute to and perpetuate a religious organization whose values were different than mine.  I maybe had a few years left of life and didn't want to waste it kicking a dead horse, as it were.  I would have to tolerate a lot of cognitive dissonance.   (Also, there were critics who were openly pointing out my non-compliance and urging me to shut up or get out of the way.  Birds of a different feather are often ultimately kicked from the nest.)

I chose my own spiritual and emotional well-being over the that of the institution.  I quit.    Here's to health and freedom!

But it's not as simple as that.  There were major contributing factors that led up to my exodus.  I have written about them extensively in other posts, but I'll briefly touch on a few of them here:

Pacifism.  From the age of 18 I was a pacifist in keeping with Jesus' teachings to love your enemies.  I kept quiet about it for most of my life, but -  even though my denomination had roots in Anabaptist and Mennonite pacifism  -  the church has become increasingly political and militaristic in the last twenty years and my dissidence has grown correspondingly.   I view the separation of church and state as a good thing (not to mention constitutional).  The rise of nationalism in the church is anti-Christ.

Women's rights.  It seemed to me that if the church could dismiss the Biblical grounds for slavery as no longer culturally relevant, it could just as well ignore Paul's teachings on the submission of women by removing all limitations on women as leaders in the church.  I lobbied for it unsuccessfully.  In my (former) denomination, it will be a long time coming.  It will happen, but not in my lifetime.

Tithing.  There is no New Testament mandate for the collection of a 10% tithe to be given to the church.  Yet, it is perpetuated as an expected discipline, even a compulsion of the believer.  That is un-sanctified hogwash.  Unholy crap.  (My apologies to the swine.)

Amazing Grace.  Though the evangelical community is founded on free grace and every speaker gives it a cursory nod, ironically, much more attention is given to the need to work for one's salvation.   Mine is a more generous orthodoxy that makes much of redemption and little of sin.  If you want to know, I think Jesus could be said to be "soft on sin".  He was called the "friend of sinners" after all.

That Damned Hierarchy!  There are many other points at which I have been a dissenter for a long time, but the granddaddy of all false doctrines that pervade almost all denominations is the teaching of the hierarchy, an idea which Jesus expressly banned in his teachings to his disciples. (Matt. 20:25-26)

It was the church leadership's unwavering adherence to the doctrine of submission-to-authority in the church that ultimately blew up my local congregation and precipitated an exodus of 2/3's of the constituency about six years ago.

Though every organization has its structure, the church has spiritualized its logistical framework with a contrived doctrine that ends up giving license to domineering leaders and abusers and compels the good people who believe it to do bad things.

I see the doctrine of the "God-ordained" hierarchy in the church as one of the most dangerous and destructive ideologies that have poisoned the church for the last 1700 years since Constantine implemented it in 313 A.D.  It has destroyed a lot of people.

Now here's the thing:  We need to differentiate between the institutional church and the Body of Christ, the True Church, which is all believers everywhere.  In the Body of Christ, all the parts of the body are answerable directly to the Head which is Christ. (Eph.4:15)  There is no multi-level echelon or chain-of-command.  We submit to Christ and to one another out of love (respect) for one another.  All have equal standing; no one has rank.  (Think you have automatic spiritual authority because you were appointed to a position in the church?  Think again!)

I'm Done

It's probably quite evident from this, that I no longer fit in the evangelical church.  My ideologies have become too honest, too Christlike, too purist to accommodate the way things are in the man-made institution called the church.

When my local parish blew up as a result of a destructive decision made by church leadership, I helped launch an appeal to the next level up the chain of command.  Though it was a legitimate step that was provided for in the by-laws, I was confronted in a lengthy and venomous reprimand and labeled as rebellious.  My "spiritual leaders" worked to smear my reputation behind the scenes.  They made sure we all knew that "no individual is as important as the institution."  (More institutional BS)

At the time, I marveled at protestant leaders telling other protestants that they shouldn't protest.  Huh?  Protestantism was born out of protest against church doctrine and hierarchy.  If protestants who protest are "rebelling against God" they are in the good company of reformers like Martin Luther and other church fathers.  Questioning is essential to sound doctrine.

Still, I could have forgiven all that carnality (maybe somebody was feeling a bit threatened?) and stayed on to feed the machine.  No tipping point there. (Read more about that church blow-up here.)

But ultimately is was ideology that was my tipping point.  I could have searched for a more liberal church, one with a more generous orthodoxy, but I have emotionally run out of gas.  I'm tired of the whole thing.  I have joined the "Dones", a growing multitude of exiles who, for one good reason or another, have come to their own tipping points and are just...

Done.

Reviewing the Exile Part 5: Winning the Turf War

This is the conclusion of my thoughtful review of my spiritual journey at the 5-year anniversary of my dismissal from the church.  (Scroll down to read Parts 1 through 4.)

______________

In the winter of 2009 the local congregation split over philosophical issues and 150 people left.  It was a nasty split because the arguments turned into personal attacks.  Dissidents were labelled as rebels by the leadership and were put in their place - and quite disrespectfully.  (Okay, I haven't said anything surprising yet, right?')

The remaining 75 were left with our heads spinning, and Kaye and I were wondering if there was any hope that our life-long church home would rise out of the ashes and once again become a viable force in the spiritual world and the local community.

Six months later, in September of that year, an interim pastor hosted a series of meetings in which the faithful were to re-establish the mission of the church.  His first presentation was a summary of a concept called the Life Cycle of a Church, and we were supposed to plot our location on the bell curve of church progression and see if we could establish a Sigmoid Curve that would be a platform for renewal.  From the visual chart we could easily see what had divided our church (although I was quite aware that we were really two churches under one roof and had been for a long time).

Vibrant and growing churches put a high value on People and Relationships and assume that sound doctrine will follow.  People feel they are loved and cared about, their needs are met, and the church grows.
On the other hand, stable and dying churches put a high value on Structure.  When in competition, sound doctrine, programs, and property win priority over relationships and the needs of the people.  Consequently, people feel they are undervalued and they go elsewhere, and the church stagnates or declines.

Over the previous 20 years our church had slowly polarized between these two camps of people that I call the Progressives and the Traditionalists.

  The Progressives placed a high value on people.  They were visionaries and outreach types.  They wanted to reach the neighbors and maintain an active presence in the community.  They were all about the “Go” factor in the Great Commission and were interested in what happens outside the four walls of the church building.  On a hot summer day you might find them passing out popsicles at the county fair.  Their vision was simple:  " We just want to love people."
To their downfall, they didn’t care much about rules and regulations.

  The Traditionalists were all about what happens inside the four walls.  I have often labeled them as the Fortress types.  On the marquee out front, you will see the word "Come" but never "Go."  They protected the facilities by putting up signs on the walls:  “Please do not take food and drink outside the fellowship hall”,  “No one under 18 may sit in the balcony without supervising parent”,  “Your mother does not work here; please wash your own dishes” in the kitchen, and so on.  They had regulations for every detail of how the place could be used, all the time unaware of how threatening they had made their church environment.  Visitors were afraid to do anything for fear of a reprimand.  Their vision was equally simple:  "We just want to protect this place."

Along with that, preserving the denominational doctrinal distinctives was given high value.

It came time to select the next Senior Pastor, and the masses wanted to promote the incumbent Associate Pastor to the position.  He had been there for over 20 years and he was the young visionary, a people person who cared much more about loving people than he did about following rules.  This man was seen as a champion of the Progressive movement and he was very popular.  But his disregard for the status quo had made him the pariah of the Traditionalists.

The governing board of the church was under the control of the Traditionalists who represented at best a fourth of the constituency, mainly their own families.  They would not allow the congregation to vote on this man for their senior pastor though he was popular with most of the people.

“He’s not a good fit for this church”,  they said when announcing their decision to the congregation, and everybody knew what they meant:  “He is not traditional enough for us.” and furthermore, "We don’t like him (partly because we can't control him)."

And the people, by association, felt that the judgment was being made about them as well.  They did not “fit” at this church anymore and the message was clear:  They were not welcome anymore.   Reluctantly, 150 good people left.

Most of those visionaries joined or started house churches and five years later, only a few have returned to an institutional church.   They invited that popular pastor to be a sort of traveling elder for their house church network, and they support him financially.  Now everybody is happy. 

__________________

Well, back to that September membership meeting where we were learning about the life cycle of a church and that the sign of a dying church is that it puts a high value on Structure rather than People.  Kaye and I looked around the room and saw 40 people whose priority for their church was Structure.  They were intent on protecting their doctrine, their programs, their property, and their sanctuary for the saints.  They were all about the fortress and said so.  “We want this place to be the same familiar place for our kids and grandkids that it was for us.”

No mention of people and relationships; it was all about the institution.

Hope died for Kaye and me that day.  We could see the handwriting on the wall... and on the dry erase board.  We drove home in defeat.  Then we set up a meeting with the interim pastor letting him know that we were not going the direction that the church was apparently going.  As visionaries ourselves, Kaye and I had better ways to spend our remaining time on the planet than doing regular maintenance on a religious machine that was obsolete and no longer viable in the culture except as a safe haven for the saints.  We told him that we would probably only return for special occasions, family events, and such.

He suggested we not come at all.  Seriously.

Well, okay then.  He spoke the honest truth that we had guessed was the case: “You are no longer welcome here.”

So opposing philosophical camps fought over our church, and the Traditionalists won.

Thank God.  They are welcome to it.

I am not a Traditionalist.  I’m not a legalist.  I like to think for myself and ask questions, and I don’t like to be handed pat answers or cliches.  I don’t think God and Christianity can be reduced to pat answers and cliches and rigid doctrines that abruptly end every attempt at intelligent conversation.  And I don't believe that the mission of the church can be carried out by fortifying the traditions that are perpetuated within its four walls.

So, I really do not fit there.

Again, Thank God!

At the last board meeting that I attended subsequent to my resignation as an elder, I was pointing out the realities of the direction they had chosen for the church, when one of my counterparts interrupted me, “Bob, when are you going to give it up?  You guys lost!”

To which I replied, “We all lost; there are no winners here.”

But, five years later, I have made a turnabout and hold the exact opposite view and believe that we were all winners:

• The Traditionals who placed a high value on Structure won their church back and were able to control the direction she would go.  To them the struggle was all about protecting their fortress, and now they had their familiar buildings, property, programs, and doctrinal platform back under control.  And really, it was appropriate that they would be the ones to win that 10-acre corner property, because they were the ones who valued that kind of stuff.

• The Progressive exiles were also the winners, because they didn't put a high value on the buildings and property and traditions.  They were now free to pursue their vision of an incarnate Church that is truly the salt of the earth.  Meeting in their house churches, they do not own church buildings (and the responsibilities that come with that), they do not have a budget, they do not hire staff, they do not sign their names on any denominational statement of faith, and they are not subordinate to any designated leader who assumes authority over them.  Wow, they really do enjoy a lot of freedom!

• I was a Winner too, but not in the way I had hoped.  I had wanted to stay there and spend the rest of my life trying to change the institution from within, and that’s what I would have done if I could have.  That thought just scares the crap out of me now.  If I had not been banished, I probably would still be there.  And I would live out my days in never-ending frustration and disillusionment while fighting the traditional powers that be.  Forever and ever, amen.

I am so happy to be outside now.  I am not sure how I am viewed by those who are still inside, but I feel like an escapee.   As I exited, the door slammed shut behind me and smacked me in the virtual rear end.

It stung for awhile.

But not anymore.

After all, this September I am celebrating five years of liberation!

Footnote:  With a more objective viewpoint now - having been outside the institution for five years, I believe that the growing exodus from the church nationwide is to some extent a departure from exclusivism, and I think it is a healthy movement.  There needs to be a blurring of the lines between the 30,000-plus Christian denominations that have an unavoidable tendency to divide the Body of Christ.

Structure be damned, the church needs to get back to loving people...  at the expense of doctrinal distinctives which must take a back seat to compassion and good will.

When you hear people yearning for the good old days in their particular denomination, know that you are listening to someone who is part of an aging institution that will continue to become less and less relevant to the needy world outside their walls.

Read Reviewing the Exile Part 4 here.

Read Reviewing the Exile Part 3 here.

Read Reviewing the Exile Part 2 here.

Read Reviewing the Exile Part 1 here.

Thank you for reading!

Reviewing the Exile Part 4: Church War PTSD

This is Part 4 in my intentional review of my spiritual position on the 5-year anniversary of my expulsion from church.  (Read Parts 1, 2, and 3 by scrolling down at the bottom.)

I'm hurt.  And I may never be normal again.  The personal and relentless verbal attacks that were launched upon me at the time of my expulsion from the church have left me with latent psychological and emotional issues, a sort of church-fight Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  These issues are not manifested all the time, only at random and unexpected moments.  More than one social worker has tagged this phenomenon as Post Traumatic Church Syndrome (PTCS), and professional counsellors recognize it as a very real and not uncommon condition.

  After our violent exile from church, the first time that Kaye and I approached the front doors of a neighboring church that we were obliged to attend (because of a family event), we were both suddenly afflicted with upset stomachs and a sense of dread.  Several of our fellow exiles have reported similar symptoms that are brought on by any encounter with the former church setting. These symptoms do not evidence themselves exclusively in association with thoughts or memories of the people who viciously expelled us, they carry over into every aspect of our subconscious beings that may or may not be related to the former church life in any way.  Here are a few that I've seen:

• Anger toward the people who hurt us - and disgust for everything they represent.
• Anxiety issues related to proximity with all things church.  We may get nervous near religious people and institutions.  Church potlucks can even seem threatening now.
• Fear of recurrence.  Avoidance of former church friends.  We spot them in the store and quickly dart to a different department to avoid them and the unpleasantries that might come with a chance conversation with them.
• Antipathy toward worship music.  Listening to Smile FM is repugnant and results in a quick twist of the tuning knob to any other genre of music - even Country!
• Aversion to the Bible.  Some former pastor friends of ours have barely picked it up since their expulsion.  It is associated with the pain they have experienced.
• Resentment toward the entire church world.  Just driving past any church can bring up feelings of angst.  A former pastor friend's daughter gives a wave every time she passes the church that ousted her dad; it's a wave that features the middle finger.
• Reversals of political position.  If the church is for it, I am now against it.
• Avoidance of confrontation.  We take extreme measures to not place ourselves in situations where any kind of reprimand may take place.  At work, at family reunions, in public locations, even on Facebook, we avoid any setting that might result in condemnation.
• Disgust for dogma.  We have been known to de-friend Facebook friends who post radical political or religious rhetoric.
• Contempt for religious cliches, slogans and pat answers.  That stuff just seems sappy now.  Denominational orthodoxies seem hollow and superfluous.

  And finally...

• Disdain for God.  Many victims of church abuse throw the baby out with the bathwater and walk away from God.  Many of the atheists and agnostics that we know personally, were once church members and were deeply injured in some way by their closest friends, and all in the name of some dogmatic religious point of view.

  

  In the past, I did not understand or empathize with people who left the church after being hurt in some conflict.  I remember saying that they should just get over it, that they should make every effort to reconcile with their adversaries, that the church was more important than the feelings of any of its individual constituents.  But I was wrong.

  I have changed my mind.  And, though I have forgiven and gotten past the anger with the folks who abused me, I have discovered that the underlying psychological feelings are not so easily fixed.  Time and space are great healers and my hurts are not an overbearing force anymore, but I will probably have recurring symptoms for the rest of my life.  And I do not blame any of my fellow exiles who demonstrate similar symptoms.

 They can't help it, any more than a traumatized soldier can easily get over the effects of the trauma that he has experienced on the battlefield.

  Nor will they readily return to that dangerous environment.

  The church will never again be a place of pleasant worship or sanctuary for me and my wife and our friends and thousands like us.  Understand this.  And if you are still in that environment, try not to be the next dogmatic bully that calls forth the next fight that results in another battlefield strewn with church fight casualties.

  Put a higher value on the individual than the man-made institution.  Put your relationships ahead of your religious orthodoxies.  Or you may be the one responsible for the next mass exodus and accompanying spiritual and psychological casualties.

And now the good side...

  Those who know me often hear me say, "There's good and bad in everything," and the same is true here, so now I'm going to come back to what's good about church fights and the resulting emotional upheaval. 

  My expulsion from the institution has caused me to examine what's real about my faith.  I have jettisoned the harmful traditions that I grew up with, and I have rejected the oppressive doctrines that give rise to the dogma which encourages the abusive behavior.  (In the church, behavior is often dictated by belief, so a belief in bad doctrine results in bad behavior.)

  The very essence of an exodus is that it leads to freedom.  Though I had to struggle through hell and high water to get here, I would not trade my liberty for anything.  The emotional wounds are reminders of a former life to which I will never return, and I am really happy about that.

  I may have battle scars, but I am free!  So, as my dad used to say, "It's shoutin' time!"

  

I Went Back To Church Today

  I am happy to meet with my friends in their home - or the park or the ice cream shop - a couple of times a month and call it church.  I feel that my life is in pretty good balance with that level of involvement in spiritual gatherings.

  But today my wife and I took advantage of an opportunity to attend "regular church" with some of our family.  We went to a large suburban Baptist church where the music was trendy and loud, the atmosphere was informal, and the preaching was positive and encouraging.

  And I had a good time.  It was a positive experience for me, which is really saying something, because the first few times I visited a church after my traumatic exit from my local parish, the experience made me sick to my stomach.  Really.

  

  If you have read more than a couple of my blog posts you are aware that I am a critic of conservative evangelical institutions in America.  I think that much of what happens there is way off the mark of what God had in mind for his Body of believers.  You could probably randomly click on any selection in the left sidebar of this blog page and get an eyeful of my candid truth-telling assessment of denominational religion, based on my understanding of the New Testament.

  But today I saw the other side, the side that I haven't focused on much, the side that is not offensive to the culture and not offensive to the scriptures and most importantly, not offensive to Jesus.

  If you decide to go back to church, I suggest you look for a place like this:

• The atmosphere is relaxed and friendly, but not in-your-face welcoming.  They leave you alone to be a non-participating spectator if you want.  Nobody makes you raise your hands or say "Amen".  The apparel is a mix of faded jeans and 3-piece suits as if nobody really cares what you wear - or whether you have tattoos or body piercings, for that matter.  Nobody asks you to remove your hat if you wear one inside.  Little kids run back and forth and nobody stops them and scolds them about their irreverence for "God's temple."
• A church that respects the US constitution and its provision for the separation of church and state.  There is no mention of politics or the government, no alarmist warning about liberal politicians or the ubiquitous slippery slope.  No hyped-up challenge to somehow "take back America for God" (the "how-to" is always absent).
• There is no haranguing about giving.  Tithing is not forced, you are free to give or not to give without any expectation either way.  Finances seem to be handled responsibly and without a lot of waste.
• The property is modest and practical and is used efficiently by scheduling the same facilities for several different activities during the week (the church that I attended today has 1 worship service on Saturday night and 3 on Sunday morning and a variety of other venues during the week). Even better if the building is open to the public for walking and exercise, dance or karate classes, family reunions and other community events.  Stretch your donated dollar by using the resources as much as possible.
• The sermon is presented in a friendly and non-condemning manner.  It is not a dissertation on scriptural doctrine or denominational dogma, but rather a simple explanation of a spiritual idea leading to a practical application that is easily applied to the listener's everyday life.  It is grace-filled.
• The presenter is humble and an ordinary guy (or lady) who does not come off looking superior to the others in the room.  Even if he has an education and a divinity degree, his sermon is not grandiloquent or complicated.  The truths are not empowered by shouting or finger-pointing.  People do not leave the room feeling belittled or humiliated but rather encouraged.
• There are home groups or smaller venues that are conducive to discussion where you can ask questions.
• The essential hierarchy is invisible to the constituents.  Leaders don't seem to be in competition with each other or with the neighboring churches.

  Let me be clear about something:  The personality and demeanor of the pastor will make or break a church.  If he/she is mean and vindictive and uses the Bible as a weapon of mass destruction, there will be an abusive and toxic environment.  If you have experienced this at your local assembly, if you leave the meetings feeling a sense of condemnation, you should get yourself free immediately.

  On the other hand, if the leader is humble and grace-filled and magnanimous and servant-like, there will be health and spiritual vitality, and he will automatically be endowed with spiritual authority, much like Christ.  This is a good person to be around and from whom to receive spiritual food.

  Some of my acquaintances have said of me that I was "burned by the church".  Not so.  The church is made up of people.  I was burned by people.  People who had been my friends for decades, placed a higher value on the institution than they did on their relationship with me and with other individuals.  

  People are what's right with the church, and people are what's wrong with the church.

  There are at least two things about people that make them good or bad for the church:  One is bad doctrines that they believe and which govern their actions.  Bad doctrine can make good people do bad things.  The legalistic practice of the "submission to authority in the church" orthodoxy is an example of a bad doctrine that enables thousands of well-intentioned leaders to inadvertently construct environments of abuse and oppression.

  The other is bad character.  There are some people who simply should not lead others, because they have issues themselves that cause them to seek power and to dominate others.

  Add bad character to bad doctrine and you have a recipe for disaster (domineering men empowered by the doctrine of "submission to authority" wreak havoc throughout the Christian world).  Sadly, this is the norm in a lot of places.

  Fortunately, the church that I visited today was not like this.  It is led by a very intelligent but very down-to-earth young man who has a winsome personality and whose default interaction with people of all kinds is to declare their great worth by building them up and encouraging them, both through the fixtures of the local church and by his own respect for them as individuals.  He does not use the Bible as a bludgeon.

Ernesto Alaniz of Faith Baptist

  He was educated at Moody Bible College in Chicago, he is a big, lovable Tex-Mex-American named Ernesto Alaniz, and he is my son-in-law.  He is the campus pastor at Faith Baptist Church in Waterford, Michigan.

  If you want to go back to church, you should look for a non-condemning place like Faith Baptist that is led by an unassuming servant-type guy like Ernesto.  You should be safe there.

  Also, this is an independent church with no denominational alliances that can precipitate bad dictates from powerful characters in ivory towers.  Remember, power tends to corrupt.

   One other thing.  Pastors aren't the only ones who can set a poisonous tone in a local church.  The last four churches that have blown up in my neighborhood over the last four years were taken over by one or two power brokers, usually sitting on a governing board, who simply didn't like the pastor or the direction he was taking the church.  In most of these cases the district leaders caved in and sided with the dissidents, eventually ousting the pastors.  Hey, these folks are usually the ones holding the purse strings, like Judas, so the denominational leaders have little choice but to let them prevail ("If I don't get my way, I'll withhold my tithe or leave the church").  District leaders' livelihoods are dependent on the flow of funds from the local churches, so money steers logistics.

  There's good and there's bad in everything.  Seek a place with an abundance of good.  Good people and good practices.  Look for grace, love and respect.  If you don't see it in the leaders, don't go near the place.